In a crucial conversation, getting defensive is a surefire path to failure. When someone takes an opposing view on a topic you care deeply about, the natural human response is “defense.” Our brains are hard-wired to assess for threats, but when we let feelings of being threatened hijack our behavior, things never end well. Before opening your mouth, think through the basic information that helped you think or feel the way you do-and prepare to share it first. Gathering the facts beforehand is the homework required to master crucial conversations. So you repeat your feelings or conclusions, but offer few helpful facts. That’s why, when you give your colleague negative feedback and he asks for an example, you often hem and haw. In order to maximize cognitive efficiency, our minds store feelings and conclusions, but not the facts that created them. Our brains often serve us poorly during crucial conversations. Robotically sharing your feelings only alienates, annoys, and confuses them. For example, you tell your parking-impaired colleague, “I feel rage and disgust.” Somehow that’s supposed to help. Some well-intentioned “communication” professionals suggest that when it’s time to speak up, the diplomatic way to do so is to start by sharing your feelings. Mistake #2: Robotically Sharing Your Feelings It isn’t the truth that hurts, it’s the malice used to deliver the truth.
People don’t get defensive because of the content-they get defensive because of the intent they perceive behind it. Many people think the content of the conversation is what makes people defensive, so they assume it’s best to just go for it and be brutally honest. Have you ever noticed how some conversations-even ones about very risky subjects-go very well? And others, even ones about trivial things, can degenerate into combat? The antidote to conflict is not diluting your message. With emotional intelligence, you can speak the truth without burning a bridge. From a young age, we’re taught to believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend-that the only options are brutality or harmony.
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How to beat this? Honesty without brutality. You get right in her face and tell her what an inconsiderate jerk she is. Clearly, she needs to know what you think of her intentional disrespect. After a dozen more violations of your request, you decide you’ve suffered long enough. Your colleague continues to park so close to your car that you have to enter through the passenger door. So how can you use emotional intelligence to master crucial conversations? There are five common mistakes you must avoid, and five alternative strategies you can follow that will take you down the right path. With a mastery of conflict being so critical to your success, it’s no wonder that, among the million-plus people that Travis and his team at TalentSmart have tested, more than 90 percent of top performers have high EQs. And you cannot master crucial conversations without a high degree of emotional intelligence (EQ). How you handle conflict determines the amount of trust, respect, and connection you have with your colleagues.Ĭonflict typically boils down to crucial conversations-moments when the stakes are high, emotions run strong, and opinions differ. A persistent finding in both of our research is that your ability to handle moments of conflict has a massive impact on your success. Between the two of us, we’ve spent fifty years studying what makes people successful at work. Travis Bradberry, author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, to help me respond to this question. Thank you for asking such an insightful question. Can you help me understand better ways to rebuild trust and connection with my team? I’m starting to feel like a total communications failure. I continually run into conflict with my teammates as well as my boss, and they don’t end well. I find that I struggle with successful interpersonal relationships at work.
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